I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
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I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Said the murderer.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
felt that
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
So we got a goldfish…
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.