ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.