What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!