Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
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I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My Sentiments Exactly
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?