LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed