I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
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[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
You can’t rush stupid.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
In banana years, I am bread.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
It’s an epidemic…
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius