A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?