They also CAN sing✌️
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
That de-escalated quickly
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?