– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
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My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
i dont have time for this
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”