she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
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My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
technically true but not a great slogan
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*