I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
j o i m p
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN