(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
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Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Ken is short for chicken
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*