Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”