I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.