My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
pictures of spider-man
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour