I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
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Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
cyclists
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
yea so i messed up lol
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]