Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Thank you corporation very cool
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.