toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
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*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Jogging
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
same energy
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.