There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
umm…
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me too, bag. Me too….
We’ve all been there
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.