GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
😩😩😩
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Every work call, he judges.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth