{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
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The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”