I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”