Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
You Might Also Like
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I’m not lazy
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.