Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.