*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
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Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
They grow up so quick
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30