Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
😏😏😏
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween