I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
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I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall