Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
6: are snakes just neck?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.