me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
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While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.