I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
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When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My teen isn鈥檛 feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
me: be gentle, it鈥檚 been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
her: i like a guy that can last long 馃槈
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.