Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
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Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.