Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
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Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Go hard or stay average
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’