Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Noah
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY