ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
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Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u