My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
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5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Foo fighters still fighting foo.