Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
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Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention