The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
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[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee