“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
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PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
me: it kind of feels like you鈥檙e judging me right now
judge: it鈥檚 called “sentencing”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 馃檮
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it鈥檚 filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That鈥檚 what they get for trying to escape.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late