When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
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Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.