My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips