It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
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“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”