Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
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Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
So sick of all these stupid rules
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Feel. He’s so soft.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage