Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
That 👊
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Something Saturday.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.