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Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
“TGIM!” – My liver
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.