A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
fourth time’s the charm
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
nature’s most graceful animal
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Guy who likes music
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”