Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
his wife is probably gonna see that
I’m awake but I object,
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”