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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.