[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok