Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
(Musicians.)
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober