[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
You Might Also Like
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
When I grow up, I want to be 16
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.